


dammit bones

by owlinaminor



Series: author's favorites [20]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M, Ocean, beach, failed adventure, honestly do not expect a serious fic at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 07:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlinaminor/pseuds/owlinaminor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jim learns an important life lesson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dammit bones

**Author's Note:**

> This was first posted on Tumblr, because I submitted it to the amazing kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk. Also, the lack of capital letters is for stylistic purposes, not because I don't understand grammar. Enjoy. :)

captain's log, stardate 1701

omgf so today's day 3 of our MOST AMAZING STARSHIP CREW VACATION AND BONDING TIME, which is when I rent a beach house someplace warm and make all of the crew go down there for a week during our earth leave and swim and tan and have a lot of sex - basically do awesome shit. I do this because I am the COOLEST CAPTAIN EVER.

only they don't always appreciate my efforts, which sucks balls. like for example today, we got down to the beach and I was all excited to go kayaking (because I rented this cool ocean kayak and I wanted to use it) with spock and bones, but spock was all, "this is illogical, captain," and bones was all, "no but the waves are too high we'll fall off and drown and die." what the hell, guys. have some adventure. live a little. like, who cares if the waves are ten times as tall as you are?! it'll be FUN.

yeah they totally weren't buying that argument. nerds, both of them.

but then after some persuasion (a.k.a. use of The Face Which Spock Cannot Resist Becuase He Is Gay) spock agreed to go in the kayak with me if bones went first. bones still didn't want to go. he was still saying that the ocean was a deathbed or something. well he said the same thing about space and now he likes it, so. loser.

anyway, after being fed up with bones refusing to do ANYTHING FUN (literally all he wanted to do was lie on the beach and sleep, what the hell, lame) I came up with an amazing plan to make him go in the kayak with me. are you ready to hear about it?

prepare yourselves. you might want to sit down.

okay here we go.

so spock vulcan-pinced bones when he wasn't looking (spock agreed to help becuase I promised him a blowjob if he helped, although both of us know I would've given him a blowjob anyway, so he probably helped because he likes seeing bones unconcious - maybe he has an unconciousness kink or something) and then we tied bones to the kayak (actually, maybe spock has a bondage kink - I should look into that, that could be hot) and I paddled the kayak into the ocean. it wasn't easy, becuase the waves today were fucking massive (like spock's dick) and poseidon has a grudge against me or something, i dunno, but I managed it because I have ABS OF STEEL. yeah. this is why I'm the captain and not spock.

ANYWAY, so then bones woke up and we were in the middle of the ocean. (well, not the middle. we weren't THAT far out - we could still see sulu and chekov standing pretty close to the shore. they were laughing at us and telling us we were insane. sulu was doing the yelling about insanity and chekov was doing the laughing. god, he's adorable when he laughs. when he does anything, actually. pavel andreevitch chekov? more like pavel adorablevitch chekov. but I digress.)

bones was obviously pissed about being tied to the kayak against his will. I mean, pissed doesn't even cover it. he was, like, spock when I emotionally compromised him and became captain level of pissed. I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something like:

"DAMMIT JIM I'M A DOCTOR NOT A KAYAK PADDLER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR FUCKING MIND NOTHING I BET THAT'S IT BECUASE THERE IS NOTHING IN YOUR FUCKING MIND NOT EVEN ONE TINY LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL FOREVER ALONE BECUASE IT HAS NO BRAIN CELL FRIENDS OR EVEN BRAIN CELL BIMBOS TO FUCK JUST NOTHING NOTHING AT ALL WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN CAPTAIN OF A STARSHIP YOU MAKE ALL OF THESE STUPID FUCKING DECISIONS AND ONE DAY YOU'LL GET YOURSELF KILLED AND I WON'T SAVE YOU BECUASE I AM A DOCTOR NOT A FUCKING BABYSITTER AND WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN ON THIS KAYAK STOP LAUGHING AT ME THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY YOU LITTLE SHIT"

and so on.

so he got himself untied somehow, and then he grabbed my paddle and started paddling back to shore as fast as he could, with this really angry look on his face like he wanted to punch 900000 babies or something. every time he paddled a stroke, he swore. like, instead of going, "left right left right," he was going "fuck shit fuck shit." it was hilarious. I was laughing so hard I couldn't even paddle. I love bones sometimes.

but then this GIGANTIC ASS WAVE came out of FUCKING NOWHERE and tipped us over, and we fell out of the kayak, and since we weren't wearing life jackets (who needs life jackets, losers, that's who) bones and I both got pulled under. I said, "fuck you I'm captain kirk" to the wave, so it let me up pretty quickly and I rode it all the way to shore, but bones got pulled under pretty badly and he didn't resurface until he got to shallow water, and then he was just sort-of lying there not moving (probably because he was so angry at the ocean, which is why you should never get angry at the ocean when it can hear you, take notes, kids.)

I was kind-of worried that he'd, like, died or something, because if he wasn't, then chapel would probably run the med bay and she hates me even more than bones does. so I knelt down next to him and poked him in the cheek, all, "bones, you okay?"

he groaned and said, "there is so much sand in my swimsuit, I feel like I grew a third buttcheek," so I guess he was okay. "jim I'm gonna fucking kill you, I mean it," he added, sounding actually homicidal.

I didn't want to be murdered by hyposprays (I'm far too cool for that) so I offered to give him a blowjob to make things okay.

"BLOWJOBS DO NOT SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS JIM," he yelled angrily. like, sheesh, I was just trying to help.

and then spock punched me in the face for offering a blowjob to someone that wasn't him. (he broke my nose, and then he wouldn't kayak with me, which was totally unfair because the broken nose was his fault. stupid nerd.)

so today I learned that blowjobs to not solve all problems. this is huge. like, this changes my whole perspective on life. also, now I have no brilliant strategy to end the war with the klingons.

dammit bones.

kirk out.


End file.
